Foley's Tails From Rainboiw Bridge: Too Big to Fly

 

"All animals are created equal, but some are more equal than others. I have to admit, that dogs have benefited from this inequity. Part of it is being adorable, and part is having the best publicists in the animal world: Our humans. But some animals even have better publicists than over-the-moon-in-love pet parents. When the United States was becoming a country, the founding fathers needed a spirit animal. It seemed like a lot of work, so many of us declined, but the bald eagle saw a way to elevate itself from being just another bird. The eagle’s presentation worked, and it was chosen as the symbol for what seemed to be a dead-end, short-lived country. 

Somehow, mostly because for two centuries Americans did nothing but roll sevens, it became the greatest country in the world, and the eagle was protected more than Taylor Swift at an Ecuadorian cookout. When a wild eagle was found unable to fly at the Wilson’s Creek National Battlefield, it sent the Missouri Department of Conservation workers into a panic. They could not be responsible for losing the symbol of a strong and thriving nation. They ran tests, they talked to doctors, and they prayed. 

The big guy assigned the prayer to me. At first, I declined. My family and friends keep me very busy. But the big guy said he needed his best angel to fix this. I don’t know how he got to be the big guy, but knowing when to dole out a compliment to get someone to do his business must be one of them.

 I flew down to meet the eagle. He seemed like a nice bird, not angry and self-important like many eagles I have met. I brought Mordecai, an owl angel who has learned medicine since coming to the bridge. He looked the eagle over and reached a conclusion: 'The bird is too fat,' Mordecai said. 'He has eaten too much. He’s rolly-polly. He’s got too much junk in the trunk. If this was Thanksgiving, he could feed a family of six and have enough left over for sandwiches.'”

The eagle admitted he had had a tough time pushing himself away from the squirrel bar. He promised to do better. But, for now, he needed help, knowing he had a bunch of tests in front of him, and scared of what upcoming tests would do. He asked if there was anything he could do. 

'You can fart, yes?' Mordecai asked. The eagle said yes. 'Then you must fart to fly!' The eagle was embarrassed. 'It’s that or get plucked to lose weight.' The eagle began to fart, and with each one, he got a little more off the ground, when finally he let out noxious gas and lifted off like a Thrust SCC. He was cured. 

Mordecai shook his head. 'If they wanted a symbol that can get off the ground no matter how fat, they should have got a turkey. They can fly with a full load in their feathers.'

` I could not disagree.