Friday, October 21, 2011

Ask Aunt Foley

Dear Aunt Foley:
I am a 14 month old male dog. Despite having an older brother to show me I still pee like a girl, by squatting. I didn't think it was any big deal. But then my Mom goes and puts it in a blog. Now everyone knows I'm a premature squatter, I'm an underdeveloped leg lifter. Am I failing in my duties as a big male of our species? And should I be mad at Mommy for spilling my squatting?
Bouncing Barrry

Dear Bouncing Barry
Your Mom is just worried about you. You know how Moms want us to be perfect and happy and never have a thing wrong. All our Moms assured her that there was nothing wrong with squatting. Some boys even admitted to squatting themselves. So you don't have anything to worry about. Just don't let your brother Benjamin tell any of his law enforcement buddies because if they find out you're a squatter they'll go Andy Sipiowicz all over you.

Dear Aunt Foley:
I recently learned of a dog named Kelly that went to the bridge. My Mom contacted this poor dog's mother and found out that she had no money to pay for the operation that Kelly did not recover from. Me and my Mom wrote a blog on DS asking people to send money either to the vet or to the family. Then my Mom got a phone call. Someone told her that Kelly was alive and well. Her Mom posted everything as a way to get money. As soon as this became public knowledge the profile was taken down. Mommy is not only upset she sent in money but she got other people to give money too. Luckily lots of people sent money to the vet and he is reimbursing them. Why do humans have to come on dog sites and try to scam good humans like my Mom out of money?
Red Hot Blazer

Dear Red Hot Blazer
As we know humans get very desperate when it comes to money, and some are real ditches. And they know our parents are suckers for every sick dog story. My suggestion to all dog Moms with big hearts, (which is pretty much all dog Moms) is, before giving money, have the person in need provide the name of the veternarrian so you can verify their information. That's what humans should do. As for us dogs, first I had Daddy take me to the State Mental Hospital across the street from where our house used to be. I gathered up the geese and told them what the woman had done. They are headed west. It will take them awhile to arrive but they are planning the largest poop on you award ever. Then we cornered a squirrel, spared its life, and sent him west to pass on the word. Soon that woman's entire yard will be one large gopher home. Also, while I talked with the geese at the hospital Pocket talked with some of the crazies and they are also headed west to give the woman the full Ghadaffi. A beating, a shooting, strapping to the hood of a car and parade. I'll think of what to do the week after.

Dear Aunt Foley:
Its Halloween and my Mom is not very good at making costumes, but she is very good at making treats. She wants to wrap me in some strange cookie, paint me orange, and have me pose as a Snausage with "eat me" scribbled on my side. Has she lost her mind?
Konfused Koli

Dear Konfused Koli
I think you be adorable in a little eat me outfit. You could be a Kolausage. Of course you should not go out trick or treating. The last thing you want is a hungry Golden Retriever performing a Chuckles the Clown on you.

Dear Aunt Foley:
My Daddy enrolled me in something called K9 Kamp. I think he was trying to kill me. I did not lose any weight, did not need to lose any weight, and all I got out of it was gravel in my ear. Is there anyway we can file suit against him?
Pocket Ball

Dear Pocket Ball
Oh Pocket that was not a plan of Daddy's to kill you. That was a plan of Mommy and her friends to kill him without their being any blowback on Mommy. It almost worked. If you had zigged instead of zagged he's be pushing up dasies now. But you did a great job. Better luck next year.

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