Ask Aunt Foley

Dear Aunt Foley:  I am positive that Mom has lost her mind...HELP!!!!  She bought a 12" tall glow in the dark squirrel!!! She says it lights up the stairs for when she comes home after dark! I think it is terrifying...who in the world wants to bump into a foot tall squirrel?!!!! I hid under my blankie that Jeanne (Prince's Mommy) made me!!!  Ohhhhhh boy...make it go away!!!!!   Shivering Golden Boy....Enzo

Dear Shivering Golden Boy Enzo:  I don’t believe it is you I should be addressing.  Please bark loudly so your  Mom comes over to the computer.  Is she there?   Thank you.

Hello Mrs.Enzo’s Mom.  Usually I answer questions but I have one for you.  Are you freaking crazy?  Don’t you know that squirrels are the mortal enemy of dogs, and that we live every day in fear that they are going to rise up, combine their nuts, and build a giant 12” tall glow in the dark squirrel to exact their revenge?

And not only have they done it, but you put it in your yard?  To light up the stairs?  A Grizzly Bear with a lighter would have been a better choice.  I don’t mean to get personal but I think you have been sucking in too much train diesel while giving choo-choo tours of Enzo’s Mountain.  Some day you are going to come home and that giant glow in the dark squirrel is going to be dragging your house down the mountain.

Do you have access to a back hoe?  Because if you think you are just bringing that voodoo back to where you got it and getting your money back forget about it.  First of all whatever side of the road gypsy you bought it from is halfway back to the New Mexico desert right now to buy peyote with the money and search for Aaron Paul.  And second, even if you did track her down sleeping under an abandoned RV to escape the desert sun, and gave her the squirrel back, it would be right back in front of your house when you got home because it is bad voodoo.  The only thing you can do is get a backhoe, dig sixty feet down into the bowels of Enzo mountain, bury that thing under ten feet of cement and a 16 square foot surface  three feet deep over the hole, and then pray to God the glow in the dark squirrel doesn’t find it’s way back to your steps.

And as for you Enzo, keep sucking the binky baby, it will be alright.