People get very excited when one of them is having a baby. There are parties, gifts, and many congratulations.
But dogs who become pregnant don't get the same lavish attention that people do. For us, pregnancies are either the byproduct of forced breeding or an accident when someone lets a lollipop in heat outside. Frankly, dogs feel that the sacrifice we make to provide puppies to you goes widely unappreciated.
That was when I decided a change was in order. II determined to make sure pregnant lollipops had showers and not the kind that washes away the stink of shame. A lollipop that gets pregnant should receive what she wants at her ceremony and not what the puppy needs since the litter is probably going to be around for three months at the most.
Before we became house dogs, we were hurt and confused when they took our babies away from us when they were still little puppies. Then we began to live our lives snuggled on humans' laps inside a safe, dry home, and we saw the way kids treated their parents when they got older and realized that the first three months are the best and everything is downhill from there and better to avoid.
Although we don't carry our litter as long as humans, the pains that pregnancy triggers: body changes bloating, and a squished bladder are the same. In some ways, humans have it more accessible. They have a child then are given a choice if they want to bottle or to breastfeed. We are not given any options. The little dickens forces us to roll over, and then they suck on our tiny knobs. Women complain that one baby is sucking the life out of them. Here's a thought lady, try eight. You'll feel like a lemon in a bar after someone orders a dozen limoncello, and the bartender is trying to extract the last bit of juice from his lone lemon.
To try my new lollipop pregnancy program enlisted the aid of my friend Tulip, recently impregnated by her short time stud mate Frankie. I used the power of dreams to access Tulip’s mom's sub-conscious and, throughout several nights, convinced her to throw Tulip a puppy shower.
Tulip's mother invited all the dogs she knew from the park. The other parents thought she was crazy, but when they remembered all the things parents of a new litter needed, they happily obliged.
The party was a success. I would have liked Tulip to get more personal gifts, but she seemed happy with the gifts for her babies and mom. Frankie was hoping this would be over soon so he could get laid.
Then it was time for my pierce de resistance. I told Tulip’s mom to line up rockets by the tree line near the barn. I admired humans’ gender reveal celebrations, and I wanted to give Tulip the same thrill.
It was Tulip’s dad’s duty to light the first rocket. It went high into the sky and let out a pink plume. Then another rocket went off and trailed blue smoke. There would be a boy and a girl. Two more were shot in the air, another boy and girl, and the air was filled with blue and pink vapor. Then three more, and the fire from the rockets ignited the trees, spread to the barn, where the prize-winning heifers were kept. The cows were saved, but part of the barn was destroyed. Setting off eight rockets on the parched ground near trees and an old barn could possibly be seen as a bad idea.
Now, because of this small fire, which was not covered by insurance, Tulip’s parents were forced to sell their cattle, and gender reveals parties for dogs have been banned.
I knew I should have done cupcakes. But I can’t resist a good explosion.