The Ruby Rose Report: The Downstairs Tenant

I felt terrible when Pancho, the cat under my house, went to the Bridge. I didn’t like him being there, but I felt bad he was gone.

Two nights later, a new scent arose from the floor vent. It was somewhat similar but mysterious; I barked: “Who goes there?”

“It is I, Pablo the cat,” a voice meowed. “I am living under your house, and I have to ask there is no walking on the floor boards after 10:00.”

I told him the house belonged to my family, and he could not stay there because his kitty scent smelled up the house (at least to those of us with super sensitive sniffers._

I heard the sound of a drawer opening and papers rustling. Was he opening a tax preparation service down there? He found the article he wanted and held it up to the grate so I could read it. “You can plainly see my dad Pancho left me this in his last purr and testimemnt.”

This was an outrage! I told Pablo the house was not his father’s to give away.

“It is a legal document drawn up by the best feral attorneys.”

I told him I had a great legal mind in my family and asked Angel Foley to accompany me. I knew it would take time since she was swamped, so I allowed Pablo to stay there until I heard from Foley.

When I tried to sleep, the cat was making a ruckus. It was after midnight, the time cats are the noisiest. I didn’t want them to wake up, so I got out of bed and barked, “be quiet” at the floor grate for an hour. And, get this, my parents told me to be quiet and go to bed. It doesn’t pay to be a guard dog. 

Twice more, in the wee hours of the morning, I got up to bark at the cat to be quiet, woke my parents up, and was put back in bed. I stayed awake, hoping the carbon dioxide alarm was working.

In the morning, Judge Foley heard the case in our dreams. She sent us into mediation with River Song, who said I had the right to decide who lived in our crawl space. It could be Pablo, who would stay under the house, or the mice, which the cats kept out of place, who could fit through little holes and infiltrate our home in multiple numbers.

I invited Pablo to stay.

A cat may be smelly, invasive, and disrespectful, but they beat mice.