Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Who the hell is Steven Colbert and why did he win a cute dog contest

Foley Monster here, and I have a bone to pick with America.

Us dogs don’t bother you for votes much, except for Pocket, and that’s a dog of a different color. We don’t take pride in much, some of us do dog shows, some of us do agility, but for the most part we’re content with good food and warm laps.

But we all take pride in our looks. There is no such thing as a bad looking dog. And when we compete in cutest dogs competitions, well, from the bitches to the lollipops we take it seriously.

You humans, all you have to vote for who is the cutest dog, but instead you go out and vote for a dog named after a talk show host.

Now I don’t know who or what a Steven Colbert is, and I don’t want to know. I don’t know why you would name your dog Steven Colbert, I don’t know why you would name your human Steven Colbert. It sounds like someone the Nazis stopped to ask directions from on the way to Paris.

The thing is, it’s got darn hard work for us pups to pose for these cute pictures. You silly human may think that you just sneak up on us and catch us looking cute, but the truth is we have put in hours of training and practice to look that good.

Take the classic smile picture.

You might think I was just standing there, minding my own business, but the truth is I spent days looking at my reflection in the sliding glass doors looking just right. First of all, to get that big a smile, and the tongue curled just right, we have to get a good pant on. Since panting is how we sweat a smile like that is equivalent to a giant pit stain on a human. So I have to get myself all worked up, in this case by lying in the hot sun. Then I have to make sure my eyes have the right sparkle, my head is tilted perfectly, my tongue is curled just so. That picture took me four weeks of practice. On some of those days I only slept 18 hours.

Now on this one.

It takes months of practice, because the eyes are shut, and it is hard to tell just how adorable you actually are. Also the tongue position is very important, too much tongue and it’s just gross, not enough and, well the tongue makes the cute. Plus you want the legs spread apart enough to be cunning, but not to look like you just got a ticket to Vegas on So You Think You Can Dance.

Now here’s one of Pocket.

It looks like she just got interrupted chewing a bone. In fact we took hours setting up that shot, getting the bone perfectly lined up, getting her situated just perfect, her head up, eyes clear. Then she sat for 45 minutes before one of our parents to notice, come over, and took a spontaneous picture.

The hardest picture is the sleeping picture. Look at this one of Sydney.

Have you ever tried to fall asleep cute? When you’re a dog you have to because who knows when someone will take a picture of you. We have to try and stay awake so we can practice looking cute while we sleep. Do you have any idea how hard it is to stay awake while you’re pretending to be asleep and still be cute?

So the next time you have to vote for a cute pet contest remember the hard work us pups have put in to get our picture taken (and I didn’t even get into the primping, pampering, grooming and personal dogscaping it takes to look this good all the time) and vote for who you think is the cutest dog, not after who is named for some stupid celebrity.

Because if it happens again I am taking the Foley Monster show to E! at 11:30 and kicking some Colbert ass.

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