Thursday, October 7, 2010

The revenge of the Earth

For my enitre life, each morning, Daddy awakens us, and takes us outside, sometimes in the dark, so we can pee and vick, on the ground. I never suspected that the ground was upset. But lately the Earth has been mounting a counter attack.

I can't say it came without warning. The past few mornings as we took our constitutional I heard a popping sound then water splashing. I had incorrectly assumed that our neighbor Frank'n'beans had awoken for an early morning pee and popped a beer to ease the flow. I did not realize it was a warning shot from an Earth that was finished with being mistreated by two Yorkies.

Finally the Earth had enough and rebelled. We awoke at the regular time, but Daddy spent more time downstairs than usual because he heard a beeping sound. It took him a few seconds to realize it wasn't the normal beeping he hears in his head. He went downstairs and found a carbon monoxide detector that had it's batteries expired. He got upstairs to us a few minutes later,

He took us out and we went to the gazebo. Pocket squatted to pee and I waited patiently, ready to top her pee, for the first move in our years old pissing contest. I heard the popping sound and turned to see if the lights were on at Franks'n'Beans house when I heard Pocket let out a squeal. I turned to where she had been standing but she wasn't there anymore.

There was a huge spurt of water coming off the ground, and on top of it was Pocket, riding it as it crested, somehow wearing sunglasses and singing her version of Surfer Girl:

"Little Pocket
High off the grass
Getting water
Splashed on her ass
Little Pocket
She's a surfer girl
Surfer girl
Surfer girl"

Daddy was able to reel her in using the flexi leash and Pocket landed on the ground giggling. I ran to my silly sister to tell her that the ground was enacting a long stewed upon plan to repay us for our years of abuse. As I did it fired off another bomb soaking all three of us. Daddy pulled us into the house like John Cuscak dragging Amanda Peet into the space shuttle in 2012.

If that was the end of our morning problems I would be sleeping better at night, but it was not. But Pocket and Daddy decided to fix the beeping carbon monoxide detector. I don't now how much Pocket had to do with it but they fixed it wrong. Daddy snapped in the last battery and it went BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

While Daddy frantically tried to get the battery out Pocket ran around the house like Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man after burning the waffles. Daddy had to use a knife to dislodge the offending battery. He then held Pocket who was trembling like six strawberries in a blender. He slowed down her blending speed and made the right choice to let Mommy handle it. That is our default position. Let Mommy do it. Works every time.

The last few mornings the Earth hasn't exploded until we've made it back inside. It's almost like it's on a timer or something. I drag Pocket, who is attached to me by leash, around the circle every morning, as I secretly believe she would like nothing better than be our Surfer Girl again..

But heed my warning humans and pups., The Earth is angry and it's retaliating. Every time I pee on it I apologize and beg it's forgiveness. I suggest you do the same.

Because Daddy won't be there the next time the Earth turns an innocent pup into a surfer girl.

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