Yesterday Mommy got a bit of upsetting news. She is going to need her knee replaced again, after only seven years. She was crying, and I hate to see her cry. I got so angry I was forced to use bad language so if there are puppies reading cover their eyes: Ready? That doctor was a quack.
Mommy and Daddy were talking about getting a lawyer and I said “Mommy why do you need to get a lawyer when you have Foley and Pocket P.C. (Paws Council)?” She told me she needed to get a real lawyer. I protested but then she threw the ball and I ran after it. I lose lots of arguments that way.
I still think we should be her lawyers, and since Foley lost the very winnable case against Princess on Judge Judy, I should be the lead attorney. I know that I don’t have Foley’s experience so I need to prove myself. I created a trial to show her what a good lawyer I would be. Unfortunately I don’t know many humans so I have to use the ones on the TV shows Mommy watches as the witnesses, lawyers and judge.
My first witness is her original surgeon. Dr. Bruno Tonioli. I asked him why he did such a bad job with my Mom’s surgery and he said “After I operated on her she ran like a beautiful gazelle loose in the desert being chased by a red hot wildebeest with thoughts of raunchy passion trapped in a world of carnal lust.”
The opposing attorney, Len Goodman, stood up and said: “I object to all this nonsense, I just want straight testimony not all this gibberish, and your feet, left the floor there, I saw it.”
Judge Jackson then ruled: “Yo, Dawg, for me, for you, Dawg, I don’t know, I can’t say that’s your best argument, you know, for me, for me.”
I asked him if he was talking to me.
“No dog, not you dawg, not the dog, I meant dawg, not dog, you’re good dog, but dawg over here, he’s my dawg.”
I did not know if I was winning, or losing. Frankly I had no idea what was happening. I called my next witness, Mommy’s new surgeon Dr. Cowell, and I asked him what he thought of Dr. Tonoli’s job on my Mommy’s knee.
“Dreadful, absolutely dreadful, it was like surgery karaoke. If I’m to be totally honest, it was like getting operated on a cruise ship when someone’s drunk uncle grabs a scalpel and begins operating on people,” he said.
I thought this was good for our side, but then Judge Jackson began booing. “Excuse me Judge Jackson but you’re booing my witness.”
“No, no, Cowell, you’re wrong, he worked it out, he did his thing dawg,” Judge Jackson said.
“Did you mean me?” I asked.
“No not you dog, dawg dog.”
This was terrible news and I had let Mommy down but then I heard this little voice and there was a tiny bailiff with frosted tips, who was even smaller than me, who said his name was Mr. Seacrest, and that the judgment was up to you at home America and then gave two phone numbers to call, one for Mommy’s side and one for the bad Doctor’s side.
So what do you think America? How did I do with my first trial? The results…..after this.