Good evening my fellow dogs and your devoted humans. The humans, both Republican and Democrat, Tea Party and I Party, independents and politically lazy, have brought themselves to the brink of disaster by mismanaging their country to the brink of kibblenomic ruin. In the past four years since humans have ruined their economy they have proven themselves unable to find their way out of their financial hole.
If anyone knows about holes it is dogs. We dig them. We fill them in. We bury things in them. In World War I my forefathers were sent into holes to check for explosives then crawl out of the hole and then give the solider 1,000 kisses as he giggled in delight. So I, representing dogs everywhere, am here to present our job plan for you humans.
What all humans agree on is that there is nothing more precious than a dog. While most industries have suffered during the economic downturn one industry that has shown profits is the pet industry. People are spending more for food, clothes, toys, gifts, spa treatments, day care, dog walkers, health care and other dog related accessories. People have shown time and time again that, while they do not have money to afford basic items for themselves, they will spend on their dog.
So I am introducing the country's first dog orientated jobs bill. We have to get America back to work. What we have is unemployed people and dogs that need homes. So let's pay people to start taking care of these dogs, working in shelters, learning how to train dogs, learning and teaching about proper dog nutrition, becoming dog walkers, and someday providing homes for dogs who would be put to sleep without a home.
If someone adopts a dog we will pay for the first five years of food and veterinary bills. We will also give them a weekly stipend. Now we know there are some conservative members of Congress who won't want to raise taxes to pay for this. To convince them we are going to have Sarah McLachlin filibuster that sad song and show the pictures of the homeless dogs over and over again until they break. I say it should take about ten minutes.
Now with more people owning dogs this means that there will be more need of dog services. More groomers, more veterinarians, more toy makers, all helping small business. I propose tax breaks for any business that starts a company concentrating on dog products, and relief from student loans for those who become veterinarians. Also we will offer tax breaks to all businesses that allow dogs into their stores so when humans go somewhere they don't leave their dogs behind.
To show that I am not afraid to reach across the aisle and embrace bipartisanship we will be offering tax cuts and incentives for those who take in homeless kitties too. Not as much, but we do want to recognize you crazy cat people too. We will also offer you free psychological counseling.
I envision a country where every dog has a home, and every human knows the joy of living with a dog. We are the guardian angels of all humans on this planet, and every Americans life with be better if the owned just one of us.
So I am asking Congress to pass this bill now and for the President to sign it. You need to recognize that we are the superior beings, after all, we don't clean up after your poop do we? And if we can get you to do that then we can get you to do anything can't we?
Just follow our plan. You will thank us later.