Good evening, I am your intrepid reporter Foley Monster here to report on the second leg of K9 Kamp 2011. This weeks challenge is called "Go Fetch Yourself." The task required that the human, in this case Pop, and the dog, my sister Pocket Dog, play a simple game of fetch. But the fiendish planners of the K9 Kamp created a Road Block to hamper the contestants completion of their task. In this Road Block not only would the dog be fetching the ball but the human would be fetching it as well.
Before the task a power greater than even the organizers of the K9 Kamp themselves threw in a road block of her own. That power: Mom. When Pop told her that the task required him to throw a ball for Pocket, and for Pocket to chase it, and this task was required to be done outside, she immediately put a stop to it. She refuses to ever let us run off leash because of predatory birds in the area. She is afraid that we could be carried off by a turkey vulture, hawk, owl, or eagle that populate the skies. Truthfully, Pocket is such a tiny thing, a pigeon on steroids could carry her off. Mommy made her ruling: Any ball fetching would have to be done inside.
"Inside!" Daddy said. "What am I supposed to do, go back and forth from the living room to the front bedroom?"
"I don't care what you do but you are not doing it outside."
As always, Mommy's word was final. On Thursday Mommy went to get her hair done. Daddy didn't even think about taking Pocket outside. Mommy had birds flying overhead to bring Pocket to her if she went outside for a second without a leash. Daddy got the ball. Pocket barked and danced excitedly. I sat in the recliner with the stop watch. I yelled go. Daddy threw the ball and they both gave chase.
The ball went under the table and Daddy tried to grab it but Pocket got it first. The next throw he tripped over a chair. This wasn't working. Then Daddy had a thought. What if they were on the same level? He got down on his hands and knees. He threw the ball, and then he quickly crawled after it. Pocket did too but seeing Daddy she stopped, turned to me, and said "what the hell?" I told Pocket it was part of the challenge and she had to keep going. Daddy got under the table first and threw the ball back towards the bedroom and Daddy and Pocket took off after it.
Soon they were both having so much fun. Racing each other on the floor for the ball. Pocket was barking. Daddy was smiling. I was amazed. This was the dumbest thing I had ever seen a human do. But he kept going, for about ten minutes, until he realized, that, sweet, fancy Moses, his lungs were exploding, his knees felt like they were shattered, his back throbbed, and he was about two minutes away from dying. He wanted to stop.
"No quitting!" I yelled. "You got ten more minutes. Keep it up maggot. Crawl. Crawl like the bug you are!" I would be an excellent coach on The Biggest Loser if I wasn't so afraid of being sat on by an enormous behind.
By the 30 minutes he was pulling himself forward by his forearms, sweating like a Kardashian on DWTS, The buzzer went off and Pocket and I dragged the defibrillator out of the kitty condo. We revived him with sweet licks and electric shock. He crawled on to the love seat and didn't move the rest of the day.
The next day he said he would go for 15 minutes but at the ten minute mark he crashed into Mommy's swiveling recliner and lay motionless for three hours. We skipped Saturday. On Sunday Daddy took three shots of five hour energy, dropped back down to his knees, and lasted ten minutes.
Monday Daddy refused to play even though he only had ten minutes to go to complete the challenge. This morning Pocket and I chewed up some caffiene pills and spit them in his cereal. He swallowed them down. Then he hopped up ready to play. He kept crawling back and forth, past the ten minute mark when I told him he could stop, past the 20 minute mark when he wore out Pocket, passed the 40 minute mark when Pocket and I had both fallen asleep. When we awoke an hour later he was under the table snoring loudly. He hasn't woken up since. Hopefully he will wake up, and be ready to crawl again, before the next contest.