Friday Fill Ins

 

Friday Fill-ins Hop is co-hosted by Four-Legged Furballs and 15andMeowing'  They give us four sentences with blanks for us to fill in. 

My answers are both in blue and may blue

 

1. Gluttony is my focus word for 2023.

2. 2022 was like being prodded by a near sighted student nurse trying to find a vein on a 90-year-old man getting a colonoscopy.

3. Don't eat glass is the most important lesson I learned over the past year.

    4. I hope 2023 is the year that my parents dig up the lawn amd          plant bacon strips

 

Poetry Thursday

 

 

 

 

 

Our muse Sam has provided us with this picture to inspire my poetry. Here is my effort

Ralph screamed with joy when he won the lottery

He would be rich after years of poverty

He slipped the winning ticked in his pocket

With the money he had would built a rocket

To go to the moon

When he told his girl Alice she did swoon

On New Year's Day he ran to the lottery office

Wanting to be there when it opened, not like some novice

They were ushered into the building

While crews began filming

He was asked for the ticket

And found himself in a sticky wicket

When he reached into his pocket all he found

Was nothing, which made him frown

Annoyed, Alice asked where he last had it

He smiled, and out of the office he alit

I had it last night he said running nonstop

I remember holding it when the ball dropped

I yelled in joy and raised my hands in the air

Then something happened most unfair

The ticket must have fallen from my hand

But don't fret I remember where I did stand

Hopefully it is still on the side walk

And I will find it with my eyes like a hawk

He turned a corner into Times Square

And saw that life was truly unfair

A million bits of paper lay on the ground

And a wail of sorrow he did sound

 Alice turned on him like a modern day Judas

She could not believe she fell for this doofus

 

 

Wordless Wednesday

 

Beat this Caption

 

This is the last time we rent an Airbnb from Goldilocks

Monday Question

 

What are you most looking forward to in 2023?

Ruby's Answer: To spend a whole year with my family for the first time

The Ruby Rose Report December 25, 2022

 

 Today, Ruby filed another report with the home office in Duluth.

This holiday season has stressed me out. My parents are impatiently waiting for the packages and cards so that they can send them before Christmas to people who are stressfully waiting for packages to send to my parents. Wouldn’t it make sense for them to spend money on gifts for themselves and cut out the Heffernans who bring the boxes back and forth? Each day, my parents' stress level jumps twofold when Unspeddy Delivery passes by. 

Our household stress grows worse with each approaching day. The outside lights aren’t working. Daddy has spent hours plugging and unplugging them, to no avail, while growing more frustrated and muttering.s Swearengen words.  Our neighboring Burnetts clutch their Life Alerts, ready to plead for help if my Daddy proves to be a Saul Goodman after buying a new identity. 

 

Subsequently, he hurt his back, sanding a stubbornly stuck door.  I tried to suggest, through nods, barks, and big eyes, that he should use WD40. If something can’t be fixed with that or a roll of duct tape, throw it out. Finally, he listened to the Baby Boss and used WD40 on the knob, which made the door swing open like the Gates of Hell when a New York Lawyer approached.

To add to my stress, a miniature Santa appeared looking out the kitchen window, holding a candle while dancing or having a seizure. I barked at it so much that my parents moved him to the front room; this caused it to stop dancing, further proving that somewhere in the house was a mysterious open window that sucks money into the wind daily, including what was spent on that Broke-Ass Santa.

Every day we wait for another stress ball to drop while the radio station plays the same songs continuously and tries to fool us by having different people sing: “All I Want for Christman is You?” “Christmas Baby, Please Come Home?” Why is everyone apart at Christmas? Do they use Dale Griffith’s Travel Agency and are stuck between a plane, a train, and an automobile? If you want to be with your loved one at Christmas, be like me and never leave the house, not even to poop. 

I am anxiously waiting for this expensive, stress-inducing season to end so I can enjoy the short, cold New England January when everyone takes down the annoying decorations and tree, save money instead of splurging, and throw their spastic Santas in the snow.

Until then, we will have to muddle through somehow,

So have yourself a merry little Christmas Now.

Friday Fill Ins

 

Our co-hosts give us four sentences with blanks and it is up to I, Ruby Rose, a one year old smooth coated Griffon to answer them

Here are today’s sentences!   

My answers are in red

---

1. My favorite holiday tradition is buggery (although I have never participated I have heard good things)

 

2. On Christmas (or Hanukkah) I plan to fill up on anything that falls on the floor, or is put in my bowl.

3. ‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house not a creature was stirring, not even Mickey Mouse because he's a drunk. It's sad to see. He drinks so much now after a couple of tequilas it is all he can do to cut the cheese

 

4. Handing out hundreds is the best way to spread holiday cheer.

Poetry Thursay

 

Happy Poetry Day 

 Our muse, Angel Sammy, has sent us this photo to inspire us

Below is our poem

The dispatch ordered: "Attention all cars"

And the radios were turned up from near and far

A car was swerving this way and that

Like it was driven by a straight from hell bat

Soon they were chasing the car down the highway

And it seemed the pursuit would take all day

The cops agreed the driver must be drunk

He didn't even notice when he struck a truck

Suddenly he turned and drove into a grove of trees

Disturbing a hive of bees 

The police followed with sirens screaming

Their hearts beating fast and hard they were breathing

The car finally came to rent near some pines

The car was surrounded by all the men combined

They yelled to the drive, are you drunk

Are you a punk

It Christmas Eve and you put us in a funk

The driver climbed out and expressed with glee

I am none of that I am just three.

 

Wordless Wednesday

 

Chester by Foley Monster

 

 For years, Fletcher ran the newspaper in our village. When his parents arrived, they decided to move to Happily Ever After with Flethcer in tow. The newspaper office stayed vacant for years, and I was heartened to see the lights shining brightly and the paper ready to be printed. The Daily Bone was back in business.

Two days earlier, I welcomed my Blogville friend Chester to Rainbow Bridge. He had lived a long and well-lived life, filing reports from his yard. A natural reporter, I knew Chester would take to publishing the Bone with no problem.

Chester was rejuvenated when he passed over the Bridge. He had squeezed every bit of life out of his old tired body. Recognizing this, his parents stopped giving him the medicine he hated and let nature take its course. Chester grew tired and confused, but he kept his heartbeats in reserve until his angels told him he could continue reporting at the Bridge. His parents said he could go, and Chester crossed the Bridge the way he lived on his terms.

I tentatively entered the Bone. Chester was holding a paw in his pen. I asked him what he was working on, and he said it was his first editorial that grackles should not be allowed at the Bridge. It would be a popular view. No one like a grackle, and they are seldom seen here.

While dogs were Chester’s primary concern, he also is interested in the little creatures: bees, and insects that he used to report about in his yard. Several of them were working in the newsroom. “They see everything,” Chester told me. “And always give us the straight poop.”

On Sunday morning, the first Sunday issue of the Heavenly Bone rolled off the presses. I was among a dozen dogs hungry for news. His effort was splendid, although not everyone felt that way. Some of them put the paper on the floor and peed on it, claiming it was their training, not their opinion of the effort. Chester understands you can’t please everyone.

All angels need distractions to keep from thinking of how much they miss their parents. Chester’s is brilliant because we all benefit when the Heavenly Bone hits the newsstands, not just the ones who line bird cages with it.

The Heavenly Bone is in good paws and will stay publishing until his parents and all who they love join us, and Chester leads them all to the land of Happily Ever After.

Until then, I will look forward to the Daily Heavenly Bone, knowing it will always be the straight poop.

Monday Question

 

What do you want for Christmas?

Ruby's Answer: I want all dogs to have a happy home for Christmas but since that is impossible I'll take a streak.

Boudica by Foley Monster

 

If I had known the dark emotions caused by witnessing so many dogs crossing the Bridge, I might not have agreed to accept the position of judge for my district. Truthfully I was seduced by how good the robe looked on me. Since Hattie Mae sent me clothes, I have been a slave to fashion. 

 

I was naive. I didn’t realize how affected I would be watching friends arrive in the immortal world and feel their parents’ pain that arrived in the newest angels’ wake. 

 

I have more than 1,000 friends on the Doggyspace Social Network, and I have been there when most of the crossed over. One of the survivors ran out of heartbeats this week and joined us at the Bridge.   

 

This week the newest angel to arrive was my old friend Boudica, faithful companion and child of Momma Eleanor. Together they played a deadly game against arthritis, hip dysplasia, spondylosis, and the normal aging process. Momma Eleanor and Boudica played every poorly dealt hand wisely, including acupuncture to eke out as many heartbeats as possible, but the cards turned against them this week. Boudica only wanted to lie down, not even moving for her favorite wet food. In Boudica's case, the fight to stay alive was ending, and the last losing card was played, sending the survivors into despair. At the same time, Boudica was granted his beautiful but unwanted reward. 

 

One thing we have perfected at the Doggyspace, and the Blogger villages, is the welcoming celebration for new dogs. We make sure that the most challenging part of their life is met with friendship, love, and food, the three main things we dogs need to survive.

 

At the end of the celebration, I found Boudica sitting at Hobo’s Landing, looking at the lights from our mortal homes shining just out of our reach. I didn’t speak. As hard as we try, we angels can’t forestall the inevitable sorrow all angels are hit with after crossing over. I sat silently next to my friend. I knew not to speak. If Boudica wanted to she would do it in her own time.

 

She began to talk about when we, and so many friends, met and reminisced about those early days when everyone was friends on a site where dogs came first. We talked about the Furminators baseball team, how fun the practices were, and how we celebrated birthdays and marriages. We were young and strong, with our lives ahead of us. Where had it all gone?

 

The answer was here. I reached under a bush and gave Boudica her baseball glove. She smiled warmly. I told her there was a practice and the town square right now. She happily ran off to join the tea. 

 

We’ll keep her busy until the pain of leaving stops hurting. It won’t be an eternity. It only seems that way.

Friday Fill-Ins

 

Friendly Fill-ins

 We're participating in Friendly Fill-ins sponsored by Four Legged Furballs and 15 and Meowing.

Here are the answers as provided, in blue, by Ruby Rose a one year of smooth coated Brussels Griffon. 

 

 

1. This time of year, my parents not buying me a Trump digital trading NFT card  puts me in a Grinch-like mood. Dammit people,it's an investment.

2. My favorite kind of Christmas cookie is dropped on the floor, stepped on a few times, and was previously dunked in a Mexican mudslide.

3. When my husband's best friend shows up without texting first and has written out, in detail, why he loves me, and I stand there with the door open, in the winter, until he gets through all his cards, which I don't even know where he got, you can't buy them at CVS and it makes me wonder if he mail-ordered these cue cards just for me how long has be been planning this so I spend Christmas Eve in the police station waiting for a judge to issue an emergency restraining order so I can feel safe in my own home  is my least favorite thing on my holiday to-do list.

4. Others might be surprised to know that I I like to bite the little curl part of the elf shoes, which I don't even understand why they wear them, its like high heels on the top of your show, for Christmas.

Poetry Corner

e Here is the photo that our friend Sam sent us as inspiration for Poetry Thursday

 Jake was stopped by the TSA

He had something in his diaper, they did say

While his parents waited

And grew frustrated

Nothing could be found

Even after an ultrasound

Jake's parents arrived to reclaim him

When the TSA reported with face most grim

That sometime during their search

They put Jake on a perch

And now he was gone

And the agent did fawn

As the parents raged

And in a minute ten years the had aged

Until they found he was mistaken for baggage

And loaded as another package

To Newark international

Where travelers saw something irrational

Jake in baggage claim

And to absolve themselves of blame \

The airline said with glee

It was proof kids fly for free

 

 

 

 

Wordless Wednesday

 

Beat This Caption

 

I don't care what Maury says; you're the father.

The Ruby Rose Report December 12, 2022

 

Last week I had my first encounter with the mass psychosis that causes humans to put trees in their houses, then try to improve the grandeur of nature by decorating them. Also, I learned if you remove one of the figurines in the Dickens Village, you are told to drop it, but if you put the baby Jesus in your mouth, you are yelled at like you just stopped the second coming.

My disapproval of the decorating continued this week. On Tuesday night, we lost power, and I was concerned because it happened during my treat ball preparation. Luckily, even by weak candlelight, my parents could still stuff a ball, and soon I bounced it around the house, the same way cave dogs chased their balls in the days of Yore. My parents, device list, watched me enraptured, although, when I was done, and the power returned, I heard them remark that my show had no character development or plot twists. I blame the ball.

When I got the treats out of the ball, which I delayed doing to add suspense for my parent's entertainment, I got tired of performing for them and decided to fix the electrical problem. Since we have never lost power since I moved in the house, and we had just put up the tree with no smell, I deduced it must be the problem. It was probably a bulb problem, so I pulled on the tree, and began to chew it, just as the lights came on, and when they saw me, you would think I was eating a wired in Baby Jesus because they yelled, "leave it" with the same intensity. I dropped it. Jeepers, I was just trying to help.

Of course, I gave them a reason to overreact. They said I could have been electrocuted if their power was on. Well, duh! That's why I removed the bulb, and frankly, since the lights came back on moments after I removed it, I think they should have thanked me.

So, they bought a bunch of nutcracker guards to surround the tree and keep me from getting to it. The first day they arrived, I gave one a sniff, and it leaned over and bipped me on the nose. And my parents laughed!

So, I am leaving the tree alone, but those nutcrackers can't stay upright forever, and when they do, I will be back under the tree, ready to raise a ruckus.

Linda Diaz by Foley Monster

I have witnessed many celebrations when someone special crosses the Bridge, but I had never seen one like we had this week when Aunt Linda crossed over to receive her reward for living an exemplary life.

She had touched so many people and pets in her life that those that became angels, or were family to mortal souls who had their life affected by Aunt Linda’s kindness, crowded into tiny Hobo’s Landing to give her a welcome which would shake the entire Bridge.

Most people cross over to the human section, but it takes a just soul to be welcomed by dogs. There were thousands of pups holding signs signifying their love for her. The only humans were her family members, led by her husband Rudy, who had spent the last year building a castle for this and now awaited patiently to feel her hand in his and carry her home.

Around his feet were all the pets she had loved, led by Tiara and Lovey, her sad guardian angels; they could not provide their mom with a longer mortal life, but they were happy they could be with her all the time now.

As Aunt Linda passed, a path suddenly appeared between the Landing and her new mansion, Along the plants she had cared for in her life, happy to see her again burst with color.

Aunt Linda always strove to help people and pets, and she was forgiving, which she did when she became aware I said it as a joke, not realizing it was mean. Once I publicly apologized, she never raised the incident again. When the country split in two, divided by political beliefs, putting my parents and her on opposite sides, some people severed friendships. When Aunt Linda was told she needed to shun my left-leaning parents, she refused, lost some friends, and gained much more. She knew it was not our differences but what we had in common that define us.

I know the mortals will miss her kindness and how she was always there with comforting words or answers to questions. She always had time for a friend.

Suddenly, a rush of blue birds flew over us, the sun slanted in the sky, and we saw Aunt Linda, as none of us had, much younger and wearing her wedding dress. I looked at Rudy, and he was now in a tuxedo. I had the honor of renewing their vows in front of all the angels who loved them. Then they followed the path to their mansion home, followed by happy dogs nipping at their tail.

And for one brief moment, their love lit up our world.

 

Tashi LIves

 

Lovey was at my office before I arrived. Even for a Shih Tzu, she looked pale. I let her into my office, made her a cup of tea, and asked her what the matter was.

 

"My mom is coming soon," she said, which was enough to shake angels whose job it is to watch over her. 

 

"It is sad for the survivors," I said sagely. "But for your dogs, being reunited with your mom will awaken emotions in you that has been long dormant. And Tashi will be overjoyed; she has been miserable since leaving your mother's side."

 

Lovey moved uncomfortably in her chair. "That's the problem." she confided, "it's not Tashi."

 

I thought she must be confused. We have never had an angel imposter. I knew it had been a tough stretch for Lovey, who in the last year has seen her father, other friends, and family comes to the Bridge. I figured my friend was just tired. I asked her what evidence did she have that Tashi was an imposter.

 

"She says she can't remember details of her life which I 

attributed to her transition," Lovey said, "but she still doesn't remember anything; even our dad says it's not her." I advised patience, believing that, once her mom arrived, Tashi would remember everything."

 

"I don't think so," Lovey said. "When we went swimming, and Tashi dried off, her white fur got rubbed away. Oh, and she has a penis."

 

Well, she should have led with that. I told Lovey to act like nothing was wrong, and I would put on my detective cap and search for the truth.

 

I had Pocket look up rescues in Miss Linda's area, then had her inquire if Mama Linda had dropped her dogs off with them via email. We got a lot of responses of "sorry, no" and one critical email from A Forever Home Rescue:

 

Yes, we did get Teddy, Tashi, and Trixie, and they all have been adopted. Tashi and Trixie went together as they were bonded. Her children did contact us, and they found our card.

 

We're sorry to hear that she has passed on already. We were going to give her the update when her kids contacted us. She really loved those dogs, and they all got great homes.

 

Thanks for contacting us.

 

Lori Mastrantoni

A Forever Home Animal Rescue

 

Like Mark Twain, the rumor of Tashi's passing was greatly exaggerated. None of us will honestly know why Momma Linda posted that Tashi had passed. Still, I think she knew she was failing and could not give them the life they needed, so she arranged for other housing for Trixie and Teddy (which subsequently fell through_ and because she did not know Tashi's fate, she posted that Tashi had passed. We all swear we would never give up our dogs: It is hubris. A day will come when we can't care for them. If love was enough, Momma Linda's dogs would be with her until the day she passed. But life, especially when the dogs become short, is cruel.

 

If she posted that she surrendered the dogs, and one person responded she had done the wrong thing, it would make a tragic situation even worse for her. I don't think she could have borne it.

 

If you think she was wrong, I wish you better luck at that end of your life, after you lose your husband, when you are in pain from a stomach condition that would end your life. She was dealt a cruel and unforgiving hand, and I don't think she could have played it better.

 

I went back to Lovey's home. They had figured out the imposter was not their sister but knowing their mom always welcomed strays, he was allowed to live with them for eternity.

 

Then they sadly looked at one another, and, led by their father, they walked to the Bridge to see their mother arrive and receive the beautiful reward she had deserved for living an exemplary life.

 

I put on my best robe and ensured I looked like best because someone important was crossing over, and I wanted to greet her properly.

Poetry Thursday

 

My friend Sam is hosting Poetry corner this week and he provided the picture below for inspiration

 

           

I was happily taking a nap

When sharp nails on my nose did slap

I saw a blur run by

And I did not ask why

I began chasing the perp

Who acts like a jerk

It ran down the hall to the door

Which mad me bark even more

Then he jumped through the opening

While, alas I did not stop running

Until I slammed through the door nose first

And then I feared the worse

My head was stuck

And I was S++t out of luck

I rested my head on the door mat

And said "I hate that fu___ng cat"

 

 

Wordless Wednesday

 

Beat This Caption

 

Bernie realizes letting his son back the station wagon into the garage was a fatal mistake

The Ruby Rose Report

 

The Ruby Rose Report

This was the week my parents lost their minds.

After a busy Thanksgiving week on Monday, I thought the next would be quiet.

Then a matter most unnatural occurred. My Dad went into my buggy shed and came out with a tree top, and I could not figure out why or what he did with the rest of it.

He went into the shed again and brought out two more tree pieces. Apparently, he has been running a tree-growing operation from my shed. I hope my buggy won't be taken as evidence when the tree inspectors arrive and shut down the illegal activity.

My mom sat in the living room. She did not seem surprised when he brought in a tree section, then shoved it into the stand. I could tell immediately it was the wrong piece and tried to bark at my parents, but they responded by telling me to be quiet. They couldn't get the tree part to fit and "light up" (great, a smoking tree.) My Dad went through the three stages of frustration: Yelling HBO words, blaming the tree, and then accepting that he was an idiot. He put the right piece in, and little lights suddenly were aglow.

I had hoped this was the end of their foolishness, but two more sections were brought in, and soon the top was scraping the ceiling. I went over, expecting to smell the forest, but I only got the faint scent of a Lowe's Chrismas section manager's bad cologne.

Once the top of the tree was attached, the day was over. But wait, there was more. Daddy brought a big Tupperware container into the house, and Mommy began decorating the tree. Talk about overkill.

I looked outside. A strange green vine had attached itself to our railing. My Dad saw it but didn't do anything to cut it down. I hope it doesn't continue to grow and damage my water dish.

The final decoration was a tiny village located and lit up (what is it with these people and lights?) When my Dad was done, I checked out the town. It seemed nice. There was also a manager set up on another low shelf. The baby looked so cute, and I liked it. The baby got stuck on my tongue and inadvertently went into my mouth.

"Ruby, put that down," my Daddy yelled. My mom asked what was wrong, and he mentioned this Jesus fellow, who apparently is a big deal, and Mommy tried to open my mouth, causing me to swallow the little baby.

My parents were outraged that I swallowed Jesus, but seconds later, he rose right up in my throat and out of my mouth because rising up is his thing.

I don't know how much longer this stuff will be up, but I don't like it.

Next week I will tell you what happens when a human hasn't had a puppy for several years. They are, "the puppy won't bother the tree."

And I said: "Hold my beer."

I never let a challenge pass me by.

But that's for another day.

Love Ruby Rose

Friday Questions

 

 

15andmeowing AND Four-Legged Furballs  have provide Four sentences with words left out which WE fill in!  my answers are in red.

1. I don’t like empty spaces in my food – without empty space I would have a lot more food.

2. My to-do list for December includes: Sleep, eat, poop, cuddle, and hope this is finally the year that Dan Cortese comes for Christmas

3. I still need to eat breakfast before it is super time. .

4. To me, doing shots and swapping stories with Dan Cortese is the most important part of the holiday season.

 

 

Poetry Thursday

it IS POETRY THURSDAY AND HERE IS THE PHOTO THAT angel sammy provided to inspire a poem.  Below is my humble effort

Aretha could carry a dozen pots without any hands

She was the greatest pot carrier in the land

 She was humble about her ability

And she did not like anyone saying differently.

Then one day a film crew came to town

To interview the girls who wore pots like a crown

Soon she saw herself on the silver screen

And she began to primp and preen

Her friends grew jealous, calling her the queen

And complained that her fame made her mean

Until one day word came of a girl who could balance more

And soon she showed up at Aretha's front door

She lay down a challenge to take place that day

Aretha thought a win would be child's play

But she didn't make it six feet

Before her efforts ended in defeat

And she soon they all said

You can't carry pots when you've got a big head

 

 

 

 

 

Beat This Caption

 As a human in a previous life, Larry often peed in the gym shower

Monday Question

Do your parents put up a tree or other decorations and how to you interact with them?

My parents just put up the tree. It is my first. I immediately put a bulb in my mouth. This is going to be exciting.…

The Ruby Rose Report November 27, 2022

 

The Ruby Rose Report

I haven’t reported in the past couple of weeks because there hasn’t been anything happening, which is how I like it. But, last Sunday, outsiders invaded my quiet, peaceful home, including tiny people who scared the Snausage out of me.

There were two adults younger than my parents, a boy almost as tall as my dad, and two girls who looked and dressed alike. I was sure I had gone through the looking glass,

They gave my Mom hugs and put their hands in front of me so I could sniff them, and they professionally gave me scratches, and I could smell another dog on their fingers. When they sat down, I hid behind my mom.

River Song floated down as a ghost and told me not to be afraid. The people were my human brother, his wife, and their three children, two of whom were twins. They were up from Thanksgiving in Florida. I didn’t think this could be true. I was from Florida, and I had never seen them.

I asked River why the two girls mysteriously looked alike, with their long dark hair and big brown eyes. She said they were twins, two humans who looked exactly alike, and it was the devil’s magic if you ask me.

River told me I was in no danger and that the little girl, and her copy, were lovely, friendly, and just wanted to be my friend. When River flew away, I moved up to the end of the recliner and let them rub me some more. By the time they left, I was already missing them. I wished we had gone back to Florida with them. I would never leave my parents, but I feel less loyal to the house or the cold, rainy state where we live.

My parents went out to eat with the little visitors on Wednesday, leaving me at home, which I did not like because I usually go with them, but they ate at Mussolini Burgers, and I couldn’t go because fascists hate dogs.

The next day I left again when they went to my human sister’s house. It was the first time they had seen my cousin Mr. Neely, a cute little Shih Tzu, and he was overjoyed to see them. At least someone was. My parents made up for it when they got home. My Mommy fed me before they left, then forgot when she got home and started preparing my food before realizing her mistakes, so she provided me again.

It was a Thanksgiving Miracle.

Friendly Fill-Ins

 It’s Friday and time for Friday Fill-Ins.  The original post is in black and my answers, the views of a one-year-old Brussels Griffon are in red.    \

---

1. I would like a personal pan pizza of my own.  

2. On Black Friday, I am persuading Mommy to buy me one of everything, including a personal pan pizza.. 

3. For me, the holiday season begins when I hear the 50th different version of "Christmas Baby Please Come Home." I've been home for two days, you would notice if you would stop singing so loudly. 

4. If I won a large sum of money, I would buy a personal pan pizza.