The Ruby Rose Report: The Night time is the right time for pig snouts

I read the exciting adventures my friends have, car trips, dog shows, train rides, running on the beach, dashing through the snow, or laying before a roaring fire. Meanwhile, I am either on the back of the couch, a lap, or my mat, where I chew on my toys, for about 20 minutes, before I start looking for a warm lap or a soft piece of furniture. 

But, when bedtime comes, and I am put on the big bed, it is time to work off that pent up energy. I charge around tbe bed, I get scratches and rubs, I build little walls with the blankets so I can play fort, and mostly, I chew.

I have become in a year and a half a bone connoisseur.

When I arrived here, many moons and pounds ago, I would chew anything, if it was made for a dog or not, but, being a dog of great intelligence, I learned quickly what was cute and what was tragic.

All humans, when they begin drinking alcohol, but the skankiest stiff, which is made to make people want to never drink again, but never does. 

We  dogs start out chewing plastic bones which are tasteless, and flaky. Like cheap beer they are made to decrease the desire to chew, but dogs like me persevere.

 

I love my Mom she is my heart human, but if she was my bone connection I would still be chewing plastic, but, because of my mom’s lack of mobility, Dad does the shopping, which works for me doubly: One - I get to spend more time on my Mommy’s soft lap, which I have broken in to perfection; and Two -my Dad wants me to have the best bed chews, because he likes to watch me, and knows if I don’t have a bone I sit on his chest and licks him until I either get to the chocolate inside or pass o

I now consider myself a bone connoisseur and I owe it to me Dad who, like Mikey’s evil brothers from the Life commercial, gives me something to eat I don’t let them down.

I have chewed on kangaroo, collagen, and dish fish skins They must be small, but not too small so I can choke on it. They must not be too easy to chew so I don’t eat them but not too tough so I lose interest.

I have settled on pig feet, ears and snouts as my favorite. I get them for a half hour every night. I could stay all night chewing but my selfish parents want to go to sleep. 

I roll around on the bed, build my forts, climb on top of Mommy for a preventive breast exam, and finally go to sleep, where I have the same dream.

I am being chased by an angry pig with no ears, feet or snout.